Title:	Random ramblings...
Topics:	bible, faith, forgiveness, god, life, spirituality, trust
Date:	2009-03-07 @ 22:52
Security:	public
Location:	my room
Music:	the radio
Mood:	contemplative

   So today I've been kind of down in the dumps, or rather up and down up and down. As the day faded to night my mood pretty much went "blllllaaaaaah" and I've been going down from there. So, as I lied there and stared at the ceiling and thought about my life and wallowed I started to pray.

Why God? Why me? Why can't I just except who I am? Why can't I except your INFINITE love for me?

Pulling out my Bible and saying a quick prayer for insight and wisdom I randomly opened it and read a few passages. The first thing I opened to was 2 Thessalonians. It's only a couple chapters long and the third to last verse goes: "Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every situation..." (NLT version). This verse encouraged me and I read the other chapter. For some reason as I read of I thought of my dad giving me his infamous life advice and just talking to me. In the chapter there was the phrase "stand firm", and that was one of my dad's favorite phrases. "Stand firm in your faith".

Encouraged to read on I flipped around some more and I stopped and read Psalm 81. I believe the second half of that chapter was made for me. And that's what caused me to journal this entry. I really want to talk to someone about it but since it's kinda late and my friends are out having a good time ice-skating, journaling will work just fine. (:

The second half of Psalm 81 (starting at verse 6) is about how God's people (Israel, in the verses) cried out to God in times of trouble and he answered from the thunderclouds. But then God spoke and Israel didn't listen and started worshiping foreign gods. God allowed them to be stubborn and live according to their ideas, but all the while he waited for his people to listen to him once more. He longed for them to call out to him so he could aid them and strike down their foes. hose who hated Him cringed from Him, but He only wished to satisfy them with the best.

The last verses spoke to me as I realized what I've been doing for so long.

Perfection has become my god. Starving myself has been my way of worshiping it. I've become so obsessed with looking good and being perfect and not eating to be pretty that I started worshipping what I've been doing. I've been praising God all the while, praying to Him, going to church to worship him, but in the back of my mind, I was unaware of it, perfection and starvation were my true gods.

I knew something was really wrong. I dunno, this is just me, but at first a few months back when I was....better, I suppose, I'd pray and I'd be instantly calmed. But recently, I prayed but my insides were still uptight. I wasn't relaxed I found no peace. That led me to question God even more. Where was he? Did he not hear me? Was I doing something wrong? Was I being bad? What's going on?

Finding Psalm 81, I guess I found my answer. God longs to take away my suffering, He's been there the ENTIRE time. His hands were held out and he waited for me to take them, but I didn't, instead I went in the opposite direction. So he let me. He let me live life according to what I thought was best. He watched as I sunk further and further waiting for the lights to go on in my head and turn around and go back to Him. He knew he could strike down the demons disguised as illusions I've been fighting on my own, but he waited for me to call unto Him for help. He knows he can satisfy me and end my hurt, but He's waiting for me to admit it and go back to him.

And I am. I'm going back to Him. But I'm so scared. I don't deserve Him. He's so forgiving and wonderful and awesome and....He's God! But sometimes I feel that I'm going to wear out my chances of forgiveness. When I stray, I guess I do know when I stray and I guess I do walk away from Him and I know it. I don't deny that He is God, but I push His hands away and tell Him that I don't want his help. I guess I'm afraid one day he's going to tell me I'm on my own, I know that's not true but deep down in the pits of my heart I am so uncertain.

I do know that right now all I can do is pray. Give back to God what is His. Be still before Him. I created my own personal storm, and now I have to learn how to let go and let him take over again.
 

Title:	"Let the Sound of My Heart Ring Out" - Dating/Relationships.
Topics:	dating, god, life, love, purity, relationships
Date:	2009-02-25 @ 17:40
Security:	public
Location:	living room
Music:	Take Me as I Am - FM Static
Mood:	calm

Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I wish I was in a relationship. Other times, most of the time, I'm glad I'm not in one. Why? Because society has belittled relationships and love and made it something so small and trivial, taking away it's true meaning. It's sad to see what media and the world has done to relationships. It makes a pure love almost become impure at times. 

Those days I wish I was in a relationship start for all the wrong reasons, to be honest. When I pin-point why I want one is for all the wrong reasons. I want someone to talk to. Someone to be with. Someone to hold my hand. Someone to kiss. Someone to know me inside and out. Someone to keep me from being lonely. Someone to be my other half. Basically, a lot of the time it's for lustful reasons. I try to reason with myself and tell myself that there's something deeper there but in the end I know it's just me caving to the pressures of the world that say I'm not complete without that significant other.

But in the right state of mind, when I know who I am and who God sees me as, all that is a load of bull.

For as long as I can remember, before I truly started my relationship with God and I was just a believer in Him, I always knew I wanted a long term relationship. I used to see people go out and break up in the span of three weeks. I've seen girls go crazy for guys one month and the next they ignore them in hallways and vice versa. I've seen people give themselves away only to break up soon after and hate that other person's guts. That was never my thing. As a little kid and a younger teen I knew that when it was my time, I knew that I'd date someone because I love them. I knew that if I dated them it'd be for a while.

My views are still pretty much the same, but now there's another twist to it. Now I know that I will not date anyone unless I know I have the potential of marrying that person. There is very very very little room for exceptions. Also, this thought branches off of the idea of comparing. I would hate to compare who was better and all that. No matter what I say, or anyone says for that matter, we will compare, we can't help it. And for me, I know I'd feel terrible for having that in the back of my mind. Other reasons for this view on dating is purity, and my insecurity.

I will admit at this point in my life, I'm insecure about everything. I know that I would be a terrible person to be with because I am constantly down on myself, I do things to myself that aren't necessarily the greatest thing for a person to do, and I would always be looking to my significant other for reassurance. I know that if I was dating someone, I would always look to him for approval. I would most likely hang on his every word, get so deep into it that I would forget myself so at a snap of his fingers I would change things about myself because I'd want him to "always love me". And that's really sad. He'd become my "god" in the end. And when that relationship is over I would be left in a worst state than how I entered. So...bad timing for dating!

Purity is also important to me. I don't want to have a string of people behind me. I want to be pure of heart when I become married. That's a big motivation for me when it comes to keeping my views on dating. Yep. That's it. =]
 

Title:	In Loving Memory of a Man...A Blessing.
Topics:	christ, death, faith, family, father, god, heaven, life, love
Date:	2008-09-10 @ 19:42
Security:	public
Location:	My room..
Music:	Smiling Down - Pillar
Mood:	pensive

   

Today was the day we finally laid Dad to rest, and boy, there was a lot of people who showed up for him! Not only was there family, but there was a lot of friends too. Last night, at the visitation reception I met people who I've never seen before. They would tell me that they knew Dad from way back when, when they worked at the power plant or at the plumbing service together. And each had one common memory, or one common thing to say about Dad, be they friend or family: he was a good man, a blessing. And he truly was.

But before I get deeper into that I just want to elaborate on the service a little. We gave Dad what he wanted, a military honor funeral (the onewhere the military shoots the guns and what not..I forgot it's proper name..). Many people showed up for him, like I said, and it was rare to see a dry eye in the chapel. Dad had touched many people's lives. Watching the casket go down at the very end wasn't that difficult. I knew what we were putting into the ground was just and empty shell - the man I had grown to love, My papa was already in Heaven, smiling down on us.

Yes, he was a blessing. One story my brother shared with me was a story one of Dad's old friends told my brother. Basically, Dad's friend was going to the store (way back when), and it was just a little market, and there was this big guy, a really big guy that people called "Bear". So Bear and one of his friends tried to get into a fight with Dad's friend by provoking him and bugging him. Then Dad rolls up in his car and he sees these guys picking on his friend and he set them straight. It's always been like that. Dad never liked it when someone picked on his friends or family members. Dad used to get into so many fights because someone was bugging a friend...I guess that's where I get that feeling from, haha!

And as Theresa an old family friend spoke, and Freddy, Dad's nephew, spoke, there was a similarity in their memories. Dad's wish came true, he was a blessing. Dad had been partially handicapped (physically) for almost twenty years and he considered himself a burden. He would always tell me that even though he knew he couldn't do anything to help people the way he wanted to, he just worked hard in smiling through the pain that hopefully just the mere prescence of him would be a blessing and a testimony, and he was just that. A blessing. Dad's pastor uses him as an example. So many people skip out of church because they have a cold or minor headache or whatever, but Dad was in constant pain, 24/7 day in day out, he suffered but he still made a habit of going to church whenever he could. It was his favorite thing to do, next to being with family. He never skipped unless there was a dire need.

And another thing, to talk about Dad, you talk about the Lord. Everything Dad did involved the Lord somehow some way. He treated everything like a miracle. He was grateful for everday. Whenever you talked to him he wouldn't hesitate to tell you about his love for God. Whenever you asked him how he was or if you would see him later, he would either respond with a "if God allows it.." or a "...thanks to the good Lord".

There was a verse that describes Dad really well, but silly me, I forgot where it's found and how it goes...but basically it just said to cover up your sins with love (obviously you ask Christ to forgive you, but youget the point), Dad knew that very well. He wasn't a perfect man, far from it. He used to get very mad, there were times that when I just wanted to leave the house and never come home because I didn't want to be around him. But other times I just wanted to snuggle up and stay with him. He knew that he wasn't perfect, he just tried to be the best he could be through Christ. He loved each of his family members, from his seven kids, to his grandchildren, and to his great-grand-child.

So now as I gradually continue to move forward I'll always know him as, of course, my Papa, but also as a blessing. Throughout his life he was the epitome of love. He just loved to the best of his ability, and I'll try to do that too. I hope when I get older and raise my own family...well I hope I won't be as angry or mean (>___<), but I hope I'll love just as much. And I hope I'll be a blessing like Dad. I know I can't do much for people because in my own opinion I'm just a face in the crowd, but I hope someone will be able to look at me and see me as a blessing too. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be the best I can be. Just like my Dad.

But he was better.

Much, much better.


To a man who was a great father and blessing...I love you.
I'll see you laer, okay? Our family will have the ultimate reunion in heaven...but of course, we'll always be a bit late so there will be some waiting...and when we all get together we'll all sing the songs you love to Christ. Oh, and we'll grow, you know our family, over a hundred of us and some of us are still young! We'll grow. So, until then, I love you Papa!

Title:	In Loving Memory...
Topics:	christ, death, faith, family, father, god, life, love, memories
Date:	2008-09-06 @ 16:30
Security:	public
Location:	...home..?
Music:	Hold - Superchick
Mood:	melancholy

       In loving memory of a man who loves God and his family...My dad. August 22, 1935 - September 4, 2008.

      "...and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" (2 Timothy 4:6-7).

Yeah...In loving memory of a man who loved so much. In memory of a man who did everything to the best of his knowledge. In loving memory of a man who remained as humble as possible. In loving memory of my dad.

September 4, 2008 he passed away at 10:50 in the morning with all seven of his kids surroudning him. He passed quickly too. Doctors said that sometimes it could take as long as a few hours, but he passed in a matter of minutes. It was hard just being there knowing I had to let go. Knowing that I couldn't do anything anymore, and knowing that I had to give him back to God. As I watched his suffering leave little by little a part of me wanted to crawl up beside him and leave with him. But I knew I couldn't. God still has a plan for me.

Few hours later I was at youth group, how funny too. You think I'd be tottaly unpresentable, and that I'd seek comfort in family or being alone, but no, that's not how it works. I knew my dad was in a better place and that he's smiling down on me and probably dancing and running around just like he wanted to for so long.

Sure I'm sad, and yes every few hours or so I cry, and there isn't a moment where I just wish I was a kid again, and we were watching Lion King and eating popcorn together. I'd give anything for those years again, but I know that's not going to happen, so I'm going to be content with the memories I have of him.

Since he went to Heaven people have been telling me "oh I'm so sorry", and everytime someone says sorry I get agitated. Don't be sorry. Rejoice, be happy. He's in a better place and he's pain free. There's no reason to be sorry for that. Sure it hurts now but in time it's going to heal and before we know it we'll see him again and we'll be together again before God. That's how life works. And that's what I keep telling myself.

The funeral for my Papa will be on Wednesday September 10 and 10 am. We (my sibling and I) got him a stainless steel blue casket and a spot in the military section. He's going to be laid to rest at the place he's always wanted to be. There's going to be that military honor thing...(I forgot what it's called, but it's the thing were Marines shoot the guns in his honor and hand off the flag..). And after that we get to eat, one of my dad's favrote things to do from one of his favorite resturants. =)

I know he's happier now...and I know he's watching me, and when I get to Heaven he's probably going to chastise me for being sad. He didn't like it when I was sad, haha...but he left with me something very important that he told me over and over...(yes I'm aware of a grammar mistake in the next quote but that's my papa for you!)..."If one day I don't wake uo, don't be ascared...just remember you still have your family".

Yeah...

In loving memory of
A Marine
A Dad
A "Papa"
A Grandpa
A "Papa grande"
A Great-grandfather...
and most importantly..
A man or God.

Lord I pary that my family will be given peace. That our greiving will not last forever, but his goodness will be an example to us all. I pray that we will never forget him and that his memories will continue in our hearts. I pray that you remind the family that You're protecting us and that he's watching us too...Smiling down on us.

" "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn when the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy." (John 16:20)".


Today was just one of those days where I was able to smile and know I'm just so glad to be alive, andI'm happy with the life God has granted me. The feeling of happiness and just utter joy burns a gentle flame in my spirit. So I decided to dedicate this entry to my Savior, Jesus Christ. For saving me from the depths of depression and the bonds of despair. Here's to Him. 

Obviously, with the last sentence it can be concluded that I was never this optimistic and excited for life. The years 2005-2007 were very rough on me, and consequently enough those were three out of four years of my high school educationg (senior this fall!). During those three years, I was surrounded by many faces that didn't always help me be the person I longed to me. The person God intended me to be. Even so, I stuck with those peoples because I thought: they're my friends, what am I going to do? I made some bad decisions about behavior and who were the people I associated myself with. I wasn't happy with my church. At the time, however, I did not understand my unhappiness with the church I belonged to as I look back on it now. It was the only church I had attended (aside from a Bhuddist temple I went for for a very short period with my mom). I wasn't getting God the way I knew I should have been. 

Between those years, my relationship with God was very very strained, leaving me an easy target for depression. Being a typical teenaged kid, I felt uncomfortable to talk to my parents about the emotions I felt, and I couldn't talk to my friends because I knew they would shrug me off or jeer, or just be plain rude, leaving me to keep the emotions to mself. As the years progressed from 2005, I grew steadily worse. I wanted to fit in with what media demanded of me. I wanted to be thin, I had to have a certain look, to be the perfect daughter and the best friend. Because that never came easily to me, I felt that the fault was within me, which lead to self harm and more depression. I never really knew that there was something outside of the people I associated myself with. 

Then junior year came along, and I met some new people and the people I hung out with changed. It was a great improvement. With the people I am proud to call my best friends and extended family :) I realized that I had looked for companionship in all the wrong places. Just because I was hurt in the past that didn't mean that all people were like that. On the contrary, there were good people in the world, I just had to look harder. 

With the new blessing in my life, I also had to let go a lot of what held me back from being the joyful person I am today. I had to let go of someone I thought was precious to me and bottled up resentment. That wasn't very easy, in fact, it was the hardest thing I had to do. Once all the negative stuff was gone, I knew it was time for a change. Chamge came when my friend invited me to her youth group. I went to the last meeting before summer started and I was instantly drawn not only to the jokes but to the message that was taught. 

It was then I knew that there was a church that I was capable of being comfortable in and that I wasn't such a lost cause. For the first few times in my life (since I met my new friends and went to the new church and regained my faith that was strained) I felt content with myself, that maybe, just maybe, I was actually worth it.  There was something in me that God could really love and care about. 

Keeping the faith is never easy. Sure there were many temptations along the road. I went through a couple of hardships, such as the past coming back and that sinking feeling that I wasn't perfect. Sure, it was difficult to know that instead of blaming myself I just needed to calm down and put it in Christ's hands. To this very day I'm glad I did so.

Since I renewed my faith in Christ, I now know that optimism isn't only for those who don't know what real pain is (that was my mind set before), but it's a joy deep within one's soul. It's a joy that reminds one that no matter how bad things get, that no matter how strong the temptations are, and that no matter how many times we fall, God's always going to pick us up. He won't let go no matter what. Knowing that it made the joy and optimism stay.

I'm not claiming to be perfect, no, I'm FAR from it, but I'm claiming to be happy to be alive. To feel the joy that God has placed in my soul and the optmism in my mind that no matter how discouraged I get, tomorrow, I'll be fine. I'll always be fine as long as I have His love in my heart. And with that, I can go through just about anything. With that knowledge I can face another day.

And I'm happy to do so.

Heavenly Father I thank you for the love and peace that you give my soul. For the optimism that you place in my mind telling me that it's always going to be okay in the end. Jesus I thank you for your love and mercy and for not turning away from my broken soul. I thank you for renewing me and showing me that you have unfailing love for me and for all of your people.